Small things
Posted by Bill Liao on Saturday, March 13, 2010
Counterintuitive stuff is what I am all about finding when i look at how people work. One the of the things that people do not realize is the impact of what I would call micro investment on the way people treat you.
I realized some time ago that the people I had done the most things for tended to be the ones who asked me the do the most stuff for them. After reading the book Sway I saw that all of these relationships whether they were good or bad started with a someone asking me a small favor.
You see once you invest a small favor in someone you want to make sure that you didn't waste your time so if they ask again for something you are likely to respond positively (especially if they were grateful for the first small favor you did and this is not a prerequisite).
We go around imagining that the last thing you should do is ask for favors but the fact is that if you don't you miss out on a great way of generating a connection with someone. you also get to see if someone is a total narcissist as they will refuse even the smallest favors.
It then struck me that the opposite is also true if someone treats you even slightly badly then they have invested in that and they will want to follow up their investment. Think of the times you have showed up at some bureaucrats desk and they have taken even a slight dislike to you. You never get what you want from this person and they may even start escalating, investing more and more in doing you a disservice in progressively worse ways.
This is another reason that first impressions may count because if the first time you meet someone you remind them of the high school bully well guess what you are not likely to be getting any favors anytime soon unless you make an huge effort. In fact if they start with a slight negativity to you, you may start by being less than positive towards them and it goes back and forth with both of you escalating till neither of realize why you have each other but you suddenly do.
So I tried an experiment the other day at the station I found out that my reservation had gone awry and I approached the most unhappy person behind the counters and they were deeply unhelpful. I then asked them to make change for me, a small favor they could not refuse, that done I started to turn away in disappointment about my reservation the person actually tapped on their glass window and said almost conspirationally that they might sort something out.
15 minutes later I had my ticket but more importantly I had turned a train of disservice into a short train of favors just by asking for a small favor.
I realized some time ago that the people I had done the most things for tended to be the ones who asked me the do the most stuff for them. After reading the book Sway I saw that all of these relationships whether they were good or bad started with a someone asking me a small favor.
You see once you invest a small favor in someone you want to make sure that you didn't waste your time so if they ask again for something you are likely to respond positively (especially if they were grateful for the first small favor you did and this is not a prerequisite).
We go around imagining that the last thing you should do is ask for favors but the fact is that if you don't you miss out on a great way of generating a connection with someone. you also get to see if someone is a total narcissist as they will refuse even the smallest favors.
It then struck me that the opposite is also true if someone treats you even slightly badly then they have invested in that and they will want to follow up their investment. Think of the times you have showed up at some bureaucrats desk and they have taken even a slight dislike to you. You never get what you want from this person and they may even start escalating, investing more and more in doing you a disservice in progressively worse ways.
This is another reason that first impressions may count because if the first time you meet someone you remind them of the high school bully well guess what you are not likely to be getting any favors anytime soon unless you make an huge effort. In fact if they start with a slight negativity to you, you may start by being less than positive towards them and it goes back and forth with both of you escalating till neither of realize why you have each other but you suddenly do.
So I tried an experiment the other day at the station I found out that my reservation had gone awry and I approached the most unhappy person behind the counters and they were deeply unhelpful. I then asked them to make change for me, a small favor they could not refuse, that done I started to turn away in disappointment about my reservation the person actually tapped on their glass window and said almost conspirationally that they might sort something out.
15 minutes later I had my ticket but more importantly I had turned a train of disservice into a short train of favors just by asking for a small favor.
